I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
