do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Randomize
