I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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