I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I just googled if crying burns calories
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
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