Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
