So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Randomize
