Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
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