I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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