Whatcha textin bout Willis?
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Randomize
