Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
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