Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Randomize
