I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Randomize
