Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
