I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
