We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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