I was born with a shot glass in my hand
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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