And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
