Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
is the fantasy fufillment of sex in a hot tub worth the possible infection?
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
His hands were made for my vagina.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
