If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Randomize
