i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
I got inside last night via doggy door
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
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