bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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