so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
It's rum buckets o'clock
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Randomize
