I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
