I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
