billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Randomize
