Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Zip lining have a big frozedn drink with 151 rum chippendale pic life is GREAT
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Randomize