If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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