it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
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