@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Randomize
