I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Randomize