I should be sponsored by Trojan
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
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