Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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