At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
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