Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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