Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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