u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
