took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
this boner is exhausting
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
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