I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
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