The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
