I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
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