OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
