I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
