I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize