if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
