I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Randomize
