hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
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