It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
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