You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
