I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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