i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
Randomize
