Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
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