I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
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