I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Randomize
