you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Randomize
