I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
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