Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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