So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
