i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
YAS. BRING CRAB.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
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