And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
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