Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
