Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
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