is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Randomize
