my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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