my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
