We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
