Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Randomize
