oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
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