I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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