dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Randomize