remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
