my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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